is your mom at the bar?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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