It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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