I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
