It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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