Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
