I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
