I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
