Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
