this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
