my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
