Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
