you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
