Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
