Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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