i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry my hands just texted you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
