I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
