My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
