I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
