I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
