I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
