I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize