I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
