My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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