im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
