I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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