i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
