I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
