i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
