His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
