she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
