My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize