walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
