woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
