not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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