i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
