I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so let's talk penis.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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