just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
