I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
