you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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