mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
