Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
