Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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