I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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