I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You were trust falling into bushes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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