There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
