Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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