I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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