3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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