i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize