You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
