I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
