Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
