My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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