The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you had me at cake vodka
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
