Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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