I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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