I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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