Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So much rum. So many feels.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
