College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
