i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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