I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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