she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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